The Slacker Stalker Rules for Living a Spiritually Right Pagan Life
...By me, Lady Pixie Moondrop, the self-selected heir to Lady Pixie Moondrip of the infamous "Guide to Craft Names."
There are 17 ways to right-live here because there should always be 17 Reasons Why. It's San Francisco trivia, you should look it up.
For Goddessakes:
1. SPELLING: "Incense" shall be spelled with a "c" and then an "s," never with an "s" first and never with an "sc." "Witch" shall only be spelled with an "i" and never the yonic "y" (i.e. womyn, wyfe, mynstrual cramp). "Deity" shall be spelled with "ei": remember deity = immortal = no "die."
2. NAMES: If you chose a Craft name or were reared by hippies, remember to take your nametag off before you go out the street door after the conference or workshop. People might not understand that "Crystal Seahorse" is a sacred name and not something you are selling.
3. CREDIT CARDS AND FLOOR SPACE: [ON drippy scary voice] Wield Ye Not your own credit card in a Pagan supply store with a floorspace whose square footage exceeds that of your apartment. And with one payment do not try to conquer a credit card bill that is larger than your paycheck. Therein lies ruin.[OFF drippy scary voice.]
4. MORE SPELLING AND NAMES: There will be no "h" in God. If you want to distance yourself from Judeo-Christian conformist spelling, then name the specific deity, or say the long version of the word: Goddess. If you don?t like any gender in your deity, call it the Intelligent All. If you insist on having a little "ho" in your God, then call her Ishtar.
5. RITUAL PARTY FAVORS: There will be NO throwing away of ritual favors (i.e. tiny smudge sticks, itsy crystals, red clay Goddess baubles). They will be kept until there is no memory extant of the original ritual or of anyone who was in it. Then they will be given to a non-Pagan who will be impressed by them and think they are Talismanic Power Objects and not just New Age Clutter.
6. WHAT ABOUT THE CAT? The cat will be in charge of arranging the house altar, house crystal collection, and house furniture.
7. WHAT IS ETERNAL? Only two things are eternal: taxes and gossip. The mysteries of the former were lost to modern people long ago. The mysteries of the latter are passed on in a whisper to new initiates whenever the subject of the gossip steps up to any microphone.
8. PROHIBITION ON GROCERY STORE LINE LINGUISTICS: There will be no use of the word "matristic" as a synonym for "egalitarian," or at all. Random cross-continental homonyms or homophones or homographs will not be the bases for a new system of gynocentric philosophy. There will be no pretending that there was a P.P.P.P. (pre-pale-penis-people) golden age of matriarchy with "little or no" (to quote from a 1983 matristic text) "sexism, classism, racism, ageism, or war." Did we learn nothing from the failures of the 70's feminist movement? Essentializing estrogen-as-panacea and playing pretend with the real history of multiple isolating oppressions does not build a strong society. Making up obscure new words and assigning arbitrary meanings also does not build a strong society. If you choose to use the word "matristic," you will be sentenced to membership in a local collective consensus-based feminist organic vegan consciousness raising activist group. You will be in charge of fundraising.
9. DIVINE INTERVENTION: Being that people generally suck, particularly in cities today, where life generally sucks, non-offensive interactions with other humans can be taken as signs of divine intervention.
10. SAINTHOOD: This is attained through not stalking and killing the SUV driver who cut you off not signaling turning left on red while talking on his cell phone, and/or through picking up other people's dogs' poops.
11. THE REQUISITE ANTI-SEX LAW: Love is the Law, but nonconsensual masturbation shall be prohibited.
12. INITIATION: this tradition will accept you as an initiate after you have been kicked out of a coven for questioning the priestess' arbitrary invasions of people's personal space, or some other severe, arbitrary exertion of power, especially if it involves public shaming or some noxious essential oil.
13. SIGNS OF RIGHT-LIVING: There will be no chasing of buses, or other public transit vehicles. Being able to make all your connections at a walk is a sign of blessedness and right-living. So is finding all your commute escalators in working order.
14. CURSING: There will be no cursing. Cussing, or swearing, is fine. Trying to exact revenge through casting a curse involves expensive ingredients, labor-intensive ritual, and unmeasurable results. Arson, now there's an effective revenge tactic.
15. GODS ARE LIKE CHILDREN: No deity is omnipotent, but they are extremely defensive about this, so please behave as though they are. Please pretend that they are all equal in your sight. Favoritism is manipulative, and although useful to certain ends, should be publicly discouraged.
16. REQUIRED SACRIFICES: Everyone who is not a roach or a peep must submit to entropy. All goldfish or houseplants who can be killed by overwatering or overfeeding must die, especially if they live with me.
17. WHAT IS GOOD: Everything is good. Everything that is not good is hereby prohibited and discouraged.
And Slacker Stalker wishes you a Happy Thank-the-Native-First-Nation-People Day!
A little reading between food courses, that's all I ask.
Read about the nation decimated by the people who hosted that first Thanksgiving.
Read the speech of Wamsutta James, a modern Wampanoag man, written for a 1970 gathering of Pilgrim descendants celebrating the Pilgrim's landing. The author was disinvited after they proofread his speech.
And check out the main site for the United American Indians of New England for more information on the National Day of Mourning held on the last Thursday in November.
And check out the main site for the awesome International Indian Treaty Council who host the annual Un-Thanksgiving Day sunrise ceremony on Alcatraz, where AIM staged their occupation in the early 70's. Their flier (which you can read on their site under upcoming events/ bay area) reads:
As Indigenous Peoples of this land we recognize Thanksgiving Day by remembering and honoring all those who died in defense of the land and the spiritual ways. At the same time Indians celebrate the vitality of their spirit, will to survive and dedication to the protection of Mother Earth. By remembering and rejoicing this day offers American Indians and non-Indians alike a unique opportunity to gather strength from one another for the future struggle to protect and preserve the land, resources and spiritual awareness for future generations.
And now, off to rural Michigan for my Swedish Congregationalist Minister grandmother's 84th birthday.
Slacker Stalker will be back in a week.
