When X = X, or,
When Is An Ex An Ex?
Some people have lately been admiring my system of defining stages of relationships, so I thought I would share it. It is especially pertinent at this point because I had the unique experience on Friday of being called urgently by someone I've referred to as an "ex" telling me that it was an inappropriate term to use. Not that we're dating again-- in fact I think our friendship (which was always the main relationship) just ended. But that is neither here nor there. I would like to make an open book of when and how I am going to claim someone as an "ex."
By the way, I think the reason "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" are so loaded in queer minds is that - without the white wedding option- those terms are the gateway to the courtship's end. Me, I'm part heterosexual (being historically more bi than lezzie, although currently a lesbian bisexual [I like femmes and butches]), and I am an activist who happens to know that you can currently get homosexually married in three different countries (and soon to be more, more, more!) so I know that girlfriend/ boyfriend is not the end of the line, and so I'm not as gf/bf termino-phobic. But most queers are, and that's why at the latter end of my queer relationship trajectory "THING" is used a lot. "EX" is loaded for people for the same reason gf/bf are- it implies to queers a history of having a committed relationship, whereas among the hets it generally just means you have a history, maybe you shared fluids or something. Quibble with me if you will, but that's how I see it.
I have two relationship plans for fuckable people, i.e. non-blood-relatives who are minimally attractive to me. If you are not currently in an open/ known (uh, by both parties) sexual relationship with me, and I'm attracted to you, you are potentially eligible to advance on the Friend/ Fuckwatch or the Fuckbuddy Program.
This is how it has historically worked for me.
WE MEET
A. WE BECOME FRIENDS, or,
B. WE FUCK
WE MEET:
A. WE BECOME FRIENDS
A1. WE'RE FRIENDS, WE STAY JUST FRIENDS
A2. WE'RE FRIENDS, BUT I LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY. I PUT YOU ON
FUCKWATCH. You are now on the Friend/ Fuckwatch Program (365 days' observation after meeting, to determine that kind of compatibility).
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A2a. WE NEVER FUCK. Nothing changes. We stay friends. Yes that means you, I know you know who you are. We will never fuck, and yes you are still my friend.
A2b. WE FUCK.
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A2b/1. It's not all that. Return to A.
A2b/2. It's all that. Skip to The All Important 3rd Date.
WE MEET:
B. WE FUCK
B1. WE HAVE AN ANONYMOUS FLING AND NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.
B2. WE MAKE A DATE. You are now on the Fuckbuddy Program (i.e. we will not be mistaken for "just friends" by anyone, including your exes). (See below for the definition of an ex).
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The 1st Date (see my old definitions for sensual living to know if it was a date)
- this can be anonymous, or sharing first names and either e-mail or one working phone number.
B2a. There is only one date. No harm done, maybe we'll be taken for "just friends" after this. Maybe we'll even really be friends.
B2b. You make a second date.
The 2nd Date
- here you can find out the person's employment status, and/or other nonintrusive bits of information.
- reveal your terminal illness here, if you have one.
B2b/1. There are only two dates. No big deal. You can still sometimes skip to the Friend/ Fuckwatch Program here, after a brief cooling-off period.
B2b/2. You make a THIRD DATE. This is the big one.
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The All Important 3rd Date
- After advancing to the third date of the Fuckbuddy Program, you can only go back to the Friend/ Fuckwatch Program after a significant period of virtual or total noncontact after the last fuck, say, two calendar years. Don't waste your time trying to "be friends" because it was "not you, it was me" or something like that. Codependents (most of us are these at some point) do not do well with these "still friends" arrangements, with all the emotional responsibility of an intimate friend but none of the physical privileges of being sexual partners. So be on your most honest behavior on the third date (if you haven't been so far).
- on the third date you can reveal your relationship status(es), your safer sex and time/ space requirements, and how you feel about dating other people. My new standby rule is the "three freebies" rule, where you each can see one person three times without disclosure, but if you make a fourth date, you share the details from there on out.
- if you are a superhero, now is the time you should reveal at least one secret super power. No, it's not too soon.
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After you make a fourth date, you become a
THING.
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- The Post-Fuckbuddy Thing
Somewhere between the fourth and tenth dates is the zone where you can share a second working phone number (making you more than fuckbuddies), and if you break up you become EXES. Yes, it's a wide zone, but just so you know, if you are reading this, Mr. I'm Not Your Ex, we had more than a few dates. It was a Thing. Not a Thing Thing, but a Thing.
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- The Thing Thing
Somewhere between one and twelve months the terminology question will arise, because you are calling it a "thing thing" to friends, and they want to know what that means. Although you can acknowledge that you are more than fuckbuddies, it is still appropriate at this time to skirt the topic and just use the words "girlthing" or "boything" or "boygirlthing."
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- You are in an Entanglement sort of Thing Thing after two months.
Long-term emotional entanglements are my most special specialty. The Entanglement Zone is where people (ok, I) will sneak in the words "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." Secretly, to other people, but still. It is no longer funny to use the appellation "my special friend" even though your parents always use it. Processing ensues.
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- After six months you have a Post-Thing Thing: theTerminologically Challenged Zone.
You will not be able to avoid making SOME decision about the words "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." This is where you find yourself making derisive (but subconsciously longing) "husband" and "wife" jokes about eachother. If you have jointly purchased a piece of furniture without ever finishing the "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" discussion, my hat's off to you. You're beating amazing odds and should celebrate it with some kind of anniversary celebration. Like the anniversary of the first time you took off the latex. I think that's more important than the terminology landmarks. My best friend in high school and I had our favorite pick up line all figured out: "I want to catch all your diseases." When you really get there, that's something.
Note: Although "ex" isn't appropriate until after AT LEAST the fourth date, some kind of mediated divorce proceedings are a possibility at any time at all, if it is a lesbionic type involvement. Even that dried flower from the first bouquet you picked her on your first date can be negotiated in a notarized document. Not that I've ever gone that far, I'm just speaking from the point of dispassionate observation. (That's the lonely place I always try to pitch my tent on this blog.)
