If You Want to Marry Your Dog, Please Keep It on the QT

I have made more notes on the big marriage fandango happening here in SF, but I can't remember where I put them at the moment... so I'll just share one thing: the stupidest anti-same-sex-marriage sign I have seen.

It was a photo on Yahoo News, a guy hiding his face behind the sign "I Want to Marry My Dog." (Oops-- they moved the photo.) First of all, who doesn't? And second of all, why are you telling us? Isn't that a little personal to share with the class?

In 1975 when a Boulder county clerk Clela Rorex issued a month's worth of marriage licenses to same-sex couples, someone else had the same overdisclosing impulse:

One outraged man came into town with his mare, Dolly, and asked Rorex to marry them. Her answer was no - at 8 years old, the horse was under age, she said.

That's from a nice interview with Clela in the SF Chronicle, by Suzanne Herel (Feb. 14, 2004).

Again, I say, who doesn't want to marry their horse-- honest, faithful, quiet, uncomplicated-- but really, people, it is oversharing to take your horse to the county clerk's office in hopes of a license.

Meanwhile, one of the weekend's best photographic depictions of gay newlywed joy: a bouncy butch on the city hall steps (Oops-- they moved the photo.).

And a few other stray thoughts while perusing the pictures of married people
If monogamous is being involved with only one woman, and you theoretically are in a negotiated/ open involvement, are you monogaflexible?

Good god in heaven, someone has devised a Tampon Angel Pattern.

I'm not sure what the effects of long-term unemployment might be on the craft-oriented individual: but for the grace of the gods, there may go I... to the feminine hygiene stash to get craft ideas...

The Funnest Civil Disobedience Ever

These are some scattered notes I made after returning from presiding over my friends' wedding (real wedding, legal, married, the whole 9) down at San Francisco city hall today.

---

Friday. I wear to work the velour leisure suit and plaid shirt: the mayor legalized marriage yesterday, why is THIS the day they call me to help preside over their (second) ceremony-- and their white and silver dresses make them a focus for the press-- I carry the train to cover my outfit

the injunction is denied across the street says the radio news reporter

lines of people like at the queer film festival-- cruising the line for friends-- down a long hall, through the rotunda area, over into the cafeteria, almost to the the back door into Civic Center-- red velvet rope-lined crowds of the merrily civil-disobedient

young and old, children in strollers

two men, 60-somethings, grey-haired & blurry-eyed, looked like they survived a lot / not expecting to survive to see this, no preparation, just "I do" and "I do" with a grey-bearded judge in black robes asking them to love and protect eachother as long as they both shall live, pronouncing them spouses for life under the top of the rotunda of city hall, hardly any witnesses, but everyone who saw in tears

the mayor throwing a reception for the whole city full of newlyweds. An enterprising chocolatier is handing out boxes of chocolate to the newlyweds as they came down the stairs, little red taffeta bags of chocolate to the attendings-- "you probably didn't have time to get a cake"

standing in line at the registrar's office -- someone jokes "what are you here for?" to the two women in matching white wedding dresses carrying bouquets-- I replied "where are the tax forms?"

Molly -- my old sexkitten acquaintance from the Coco Club/ Fairy Butch early days-- now a lawyer and marriage rights activist-- finally got to wear her dress for something other than a protest or a "domestic partnership" ceremony-- she and her little formal butch partner all over the front pages of every local paper (Phyl and Del not the most photogenic after 51 years together)

the Japanese mother on one knee adjusting her daughter's train, gilt on white, breathtakingly ornate, like an outtake of a scene in the Japanese Tea Garden under pink cherry blossoms, but instead in a swirl of people in city hall-- a heteronormative moment-- finally sensing within myself that "this is normal." I find myself cruising dress fashion and hairstyles.

a straight woman attending got on her cell to her mother-in-law, a dyke, to get down there and get married (they are open tomorrow for Valentine's Day)

the white 30-something short-haired woman hurrying barefoot across the shiny floor in a simple, short brown silk dress, carrying a bouquet of red rose buds, a child running behind her carrying a pair of high-heeled open-toed shoes

I see the butch bride standing for pictures is the drummer from the punk band "Frozen Chicken Patty," one of their attendings is a famous dominatrix... a dyke community moment on the steps of city hall, amidst reporters interviewing kids whose parents finally could get married

------ Other Unrelated Thoughts As I Perused the Gay Married People----
If heteroflexible are people not always just sleeping with other straight people, then are:
homoflexible- people not always sleeping with other homosexuals, and
biflexible- people not always sleeping with other bisexuals, and
transflexible- people not always identifying as other than their doctor-assigned-at-birth-gender?

My Latest Scheme for Self-Employment

Introducing:

Slam-o-Grams
"...for those not lucky enough to be dating a poet." (-- my girlfriend's idea, that slogan. Har har.)

Featuring...

Sinister performance poetry brought to your door to make your loved one's special day unforgettable.

Optional Features include...

A silent film in the background (i.e. a war documentary, or a Charlie Chaplin movie)

A conga drummer

Freestyling on the topic of your choice from our menu:
-- homelessness
-- methamphetamine addiction
-- public transport
-- codependency
-- sexual exploitation
-- high school reunions

    Have a Slam-o-riffic Day!

Please don't confuse my services with the valuable but VERY DIFFERENT Giantess Adrena's Slam-o-grams...

...where she wrestles the birthday boy (or girl) to the ground. [Says Adrena,] “I’m all dressed up in my wrestling suit. I turn my music on, grab the guy and belly bop him and I stuff his face in my boobs and I slam him with my pelvic pile-driver and knocker locker and then I put him on the floor and slam him. The finale is that I put them on the ground and sit on them and I spank their butt. I sit on their face, forwards or backwards. Then I put them in a headlock and hand the whip to their significant other.”

OK, There Wasn't Supposed to Be a Bra Under That Breast-Cup Thing

Teatgate takes another convoluted twist...

A Groovy Close-up of the Janet Jackson Panel of Shame

And Our Superbowl Champion is... Wait, it's a Photo Finish! It's Janet Jackson, By a Nipple!

No, really, it was a good game. I was so angry last year when I finally had a home team (the Raiders) going to the Superbowl and they acted like... well... I'm speechless, it was so shameful. It's like their mothers had all yelled at them that morning. Their hearts weren't in it. They handed the ball to Tampa Bay and curled up in the fetal position. But this year, the teams really struggled, and even the losers had oodles of fabulous (record-setting!) plays, like those super-hero-esque vertical leaps-- once even floating into a gazelle-like run/ touchdown. The teams were humble, they were earnest, they were playing good football.

The entire opening ceremony, and half-time show, however, were sickening stews of rancid Americana, with only one shining-- like a sun!-- moment. The tasteless cameo of Janet Jackson's fantastic nipple piercing. And then the commentators straining to not comment on it, since it was illegal for us to have seen what we so most certainly did see.

Boy do I prefer European TV... they don't pretend like the human female breast is all that. They have totally inured the poplace to the effect, grinding boobies into your face in the middle of morning yoga programs. They would rather shock you with the newest news about the US government breaking with UN protocol and then toppling other governments for breaking with UN protocol. That's the stuff Europeans think should be illegal.

OK, So Why This Reaction to the Word 'Velour,' People?

First of all, I don't know much about the word, or (ahem) how to spell it, apparently. But now my laserbeam of curiosity has been drawn to it. I have to know why all these negative semantics have been glued to the hapless word 'velour.'

Yes, it is a cheap knock-off of velvet. But so is velveteen, and you don't see people screwing up their faces when you say you've bought a velveteen leisure suit, now do you?

Just because I'm 46 work days away from a date with my green comfy chair and a navy blue velour leisure suit doesn't mean I'm going to turn into Archie Bunker.

(An aside: you want to know what Google spit up as one of the top-seeded hits for the search "archie bunker" + velour? "Jesus?: The Only 2000 Year Old Whore", a lovely little page by Thefucksociety.com.)

I notice that "velour leisure suit" is noted as a "funky trend" by a seller on eBay. It is a trend being accessorized by some of the most tasteful designers in the biz, too. Check out this hat, described by its creator-- "No leisure suit would be complete without this soft and funky lid."

So maybe it's not the word "velour" that sets people's teeth on edge. Maybe it's the combination of the cognitively-dissonant words "leisure" and "suit." Velour just tops it off, like the word "secret" in the phrase "secret army intelligence."

Speaking of army intelligence, I can't believe the genius that is Jon Stewart (of the Daily Show on Comedy Central). Last night he had Richard Pearle, a Gulf War II apologist (author of "How to Win the War on Terror"), on the show, and when he asked him if he thought we'd have gone to war even if we hadn't had faulty intelligence of WMD, Mr. Pearle said that we would have, since Hussein was operating in direct violation of UN directives. Jon LAUGHED OUT LOUD in HIS FACE. I have never seen him do that. Poor Pearle was so taken off guard that he started chuckling too, which was really creepy, like he was in on it that the excuse was a farce and wasn't it kind of funny. Jon laughed into the rhetorical question "*WHO* was in violation of UN directives? It's like saying we had to violate the UN's laws to protect it from the guy who violated its laws!" (my faulty memory's paraphrasing... but he said nearly exactly that) -- and then he started off in another direction of inquiry before the guy could get his footing. Wow, what a kung fu talk show moment. He had Richard Pearle KO'd in under four minutes. He stood and almost bolted off the set as soon as the music came up to end his interview.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm a little giddy about Jon Stewart today: my girlfriend, who refers to Jon as "my boyfriend," last night just gave me a pillowcase with Jon's face (downloaded from the graphic on his Comedy Central website) ironed-on to it (thanks to some eBay wingnut who sells custom iron-ons). Then I dreamt that he had me over to he and his wife's house and we bonded over having happy childhoods. It was a good night all around, in other words.

Now for you other Jon Stewart fans, here's a Daily Show commentary blog-- it's a safe space just for you and me.

How I'm Preparing for Unemployment

1. Building my meditation endurance up from 3 minutes-- for time-killing on those days when looking for a new job consists of watching the interminable construction going on in the alley I can see from my armchair to see if they need any help. And building the cat's endurance for future all-day laser-pointer marathons.

2. Stocking up on the staples: soup, aspirin, catnip.

3. Assessing the value of personal items for future sale on eBay.

4. Scheduling future volunteer time at a local kids' tutoring center (so I can get free access to DSL, a fax and photocopier).

5. Shopping for new radical hair color(s) at local slacker coffee shops.

6. Conditioning my cat to wake me up AFTER 9 am.

7. Stealing office supplies from my future ex-employer. (I mean more than usual.)

8. Renewing relations with sex worker friends who sometimes have interesting day-laborer opportunities.

9. Mapping out a daytime TV schedule of MASH, Law and Order and ER reruns.

10. Finally getting my first valour leisure suit. (Yes!)

Wait, I think this is a spoof...

But it did take me a minute to realize this isn't the blog of the Prime Minister of Australia.

This was the tip off:

Australia is like the place to be seen now. Like, not only is the President of the world George Bush coming here, so is the President of China, Hu Jintao. They have heaps in common, like they're both Presidents and neither were actually elected. So I rang up George to tell him, and I'm all, "Dude, Hu is coming here!" And he's all, "I give up, who's comin'?" And I'm all, "No, HU is coming!" and he goes, "I said I don't know, who's comin'?" And I go "Hu!" And he goes, "Yeah, I said I don't know, who?" And I go, "Hu's coming!" And he goes, "What? Who is coming? Ya'll gonna tell me?" And I go, "Hu Jintao, the President of China!" And he goes, "Who?"

George is such a kidder. Smart AND a sense of humor. He's so dreamy.

Lord of the Rings Fans Take Heed

I've been slacking on my blog lately due to Real Life Stress, but I always have time for LoTR Gay Slash Art, and LoTR characters' Very Secret Diaries, including that of Ringwraith Number 5, who saeth therein:

Day 1,001,107

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”

The Global Development Briefing Summary on Bam

IRAN: The oil-rich Gulf states Dec. 29 earmarked $400 million in aid for victims of Iran's earthquake, hours after the United Nations appealed for more money as it began assessing the damage. In Riyadh, Kuwaiti Finance Minister Mahmud Abdel Khaleq al-Nuri said the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC) states had agreed to send the aid. Meanwhile, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran's supreme leader, has pledged to rebuild the historic city of Bam, devastated by an earthquake Dec. 26, reports BBC online. The ayatollah visited the Silk Route city to tell people the Iranian leadership shared their sorrow at the deaths of some 22,000 people. Iranian authorities say tens of thousands of people are desperately in need of food, water and shelter after the most lethal quake in more than a decade. Up to 40,000 people may have been killed, 30,000 injured and 100,000 left homeless, according to a preliminary assessment. Up to 90 percent of all buildings in the city were significantly or totally damaged, a joint U.N. assessment team in Bam on Dec. 27 reported. With temperatures in the area falling below freezing at night, donations of tents and blankets were seen as essential to provide immediate relief.

Click here for the gritty details on the relief efforts from the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs.

The Iranian Red Crescent Society (IRCS) is the place to send your donations. E-mail bamdonate@rcs.ir for more information on donating to the work of the IRCS in Bam.

Stalking (and Swilling) Absinthe

I'm typing with some difficulty because of cuts on my fingers from driving my car after the driver's side windows had been broken in (the second break-in within as many months)-- glass and the perp's blood were all over the inside of the car, ew-- but also I'm typing with trouble because of...

Absinthe Distillee "Un Emile" from Pontarlier, France
68% alc. by vol., plus distilled wormwood and green anise.

Here are the descriptions from Absinthe Online:

Plain "Emile 68"-- "Emile Pernot 68 is a premium 68% abv absinthe traditionally made to a 19th century recipe by steeping Grand wormwood (Artemisia absinthium), green anise, fennel and other plants in alcohol and distilling the macerated charge in an absinthe still. "

Sapin-- (slightly greener/ more opaque than the plain) "As with Un Emile 68, this absinthe is made traditionally by steeping Grand wormwood (Artemisia absinthium), green anise, fennel and other plants in alcohol and distilling the macerated charge in an absinthe still. The colour is achieved naturally by soaking plants in the distillate. No oils or artificial colouring have been used and no star anise has been used to enhance the louche."

La Blanche-- "Un Emile 68 'La Blanche' is a clear absinthe made in the style of a Swiss La Bleue. La Bleue is highly sought after and is produced in clandestine stills throughout the Neuchatel region of Switzerland. Unfortunately, because of the illicit nature of the product, the quality and consistency cannot be guaranteed. Un Emile 68 'La Blanche' is the first la Bleue to be made commercially available."

Read "Drinkboy's" article on absinthe, with a link to an article on the history of the drink.

Your Agony

I know this is probably a really well-intentioned person-- and by the looks of his links list probably a refugee from the Islamic World working on getting sexual orientation-based asylum in Canada-- but you just can't imagine the restraint it is taking not to submit some wise-ass question on his "agony form."

Please go here and click on the link to YOUR AGONY (and the ever-lovin' graphic he attached to that thought). Let's see how YOUR self-restraint holds up.

He also has a "Gay & lesbian form" which I'm restraining myself from using.

On a Lighter Note

Reading Dave Barry's blog has many rewards, including a bad poetry conspiracy he launched before his 2003 summer vacation:

the Freemont poetry scheme begins, and


Poetry.com responds.

Bam, Gone

I am grateful to the earthquake that took 20,000 lives and 70,000 homeless only for this: my dear friend M. had already left Bam, two and a half weeks ago. He told me that the place he stayed when he visited Bam was highly recommended on Lonely Planet's Thorn Tree message board, because the proprieter Akbar always took people into his guest house as though they were part of his family.

His guest house was destroyed, he lost his son, and reportedly 18 other members of his family. One British tourist died in the guest house. The Bam citadel, carefully restored over the last thirty years, whose tourists were the basis of the local economy, is gone. This rural city, the first inside the border with Pakistan in a wide expanse of desert, has to rebuild from the dust.

Here is Lonely Planet's "The Thorn Tree" news about Akbar in Bam.

The Slacker Stalker Review of "Cowboy Bebop" (2003 theater release)

Well, my late night hours watching Adult Swim and the advice of a slacker friend has led to the renting of "Cowboy Bebop: The Movie" on DVD. Here are my thoughts:

Subtitles versus Overdub
I was advised-- on good authority-- to watch it with the English subtitles. At one point in the movie two characters tell the same story in two different conversations, alternating. In overdubbing, the one guy telling the story has a Middle Eastern accent. This is completely lost with the two (to me monotone and almost identical) Japanese voices telling the story, and the subtitles do not convey this artistic device at all-- they totally lost me. There are other places where the subtitles are sketchy, and even one place where I'm convinced they made a mistake, mixing up the names of two characters (Vincent for Spike, i.e. the antagonist and protagonist, a little confusing, yes?). So I'm forced to endorse the low-brow alternative to subtitles: the overdubbing not only gives you more plot information, but the jokes are culturally fine-tuned to actually be a little bit funny. And they deleted the villain's hokey Shakespeare misquote ("to die perchance to dream"), thank god.

Now, the usual breakdown:

The Lesbian Movie Standard (LMS)
Well, sadly, Electra and Faye, the sexy babes in the movie, don't have a scene together. They don't actually even MEET. But the wonderful androgyne hacker girl Edward has a few scenes with Faye where they are discussing (well, as much as Edward can "discuss" in her insane chirp-sing-talk) the facts of the case. This movie exceeds the minimum for the LMS: at least one conversation between two female characters about something other than a man-- a minimum that most US blockbuster movies (ahem, Lord of the Rings, ahem) don't even come close to meeting. This movie is definitely lesbian-friendly. And this lesbionic type can't stop wondering what the hell is holding up Faye's short-shorts-- are those suspenders? And if so, what are they attached to on top? Her nipples?

The Jesus Figure
Of course, Spike Spiegel, the protagonist. But interestingly, also our chaotic ex-army girl Electra! Spike has his near-death experience in the river and some confusing non-plot-promoting pseudo-Native-American weirdness is clearly supposed to be a spiritual enlightenment redemption thingy, making him want to live to be a better person or something. He then seems to "owe a favor" to the antagonist (he repays that favor... by trying to kill him later--?). So that's our one Jesus. But at the climax, Electra is prepared to sacrifice her life to save the world from the dastardliness that is the anti-hero Vincent, and he spares her. She is redeemed. He remembers loving her and says that their time together was the only time he was alive. We have our two Jesuses.

The moral of the story is revealed by Vincent: reality is subjective, and only love makes life real, really really real. Wasn't this the moral of The Matrix too? Oh well, at least the characters are original. OK, Edward is original. Ein, the intelligent (but thankfully NON-TALKING) Welsh Corgi is also original. I love Ein.

OK, this leads us to... (drumroll)...

The Gay Figure
The winner is: Jet! The big-burly-partly-synthetic henchman type who lives in the Bebop, makes sure everyone is fed, and tries to impart wifely/motherly wisdom to Spike (whom he clearly loves - um- like Samwise loves Frodo, if you know what I mean). He is so gay. Gay gay gay. His only action scene (after the opening convenience store heist) is when he yells at Ein for moving a chess piece. Ein whines a little and lowers his head: Jet pets him gently, showing deep remorse for scaring his cute little dog. Gay! The scenes with Jet and Ein and Edward are my favorites.

Except for that neat little bondage sequence with Faye... while she rolls around I could almost see whence those suspenders and what they suspend... but the movie has an R rating and not an NC-17 rating-- the tiny yellow shirt miraculously clings like butter where it touches her skin, and not one suspender button is revealed.

Oh, and a special mention for the opening credits sequence of cityscapes: that could be its own movie, it is so exquisitely rendered and set to music.


Read more about "Cowboy Bebop: The Movie" at Metacritic.

More from Dave Barry's Blog

I can't believe this is real, it is so fabulous.

"Barbie would ... be tired of Microsoft's licensing bullshit."

A Light at the End of the Tunnel: Dave Barry Has a Blog

And you can read it HERE. He is also a Blogspot/ Blogger patron, like me.

I am finding this a comfort after a couple of difficult weeks, being continuously sick with a cold I picked up at the end of November, and now treating myself to a $4 Marie Callender's turkey/ cranberry frozen dinner, only to discover that it really is "cranberry," as in ONE CRANBERRY, sliced into thirds, with a lot of instant potatoes and some turkey.

I look forward to taking out my aggressions on wrapping presents tonight.

Haven't You Ever Wondered Who Invented Clumping Cat Litter?

I have. I thought to myself: "this invention has improved my and my cat's life immeasurably, and I think it has been invented in my lifetime!" And I was right, since it was invented in 1976.

So who invented it? William Mallow, about whom I found the following tidbit:

2002 Honorary Unsubscribe Recipients: "4 August 2002's honorary unsubscribe went to William A. Mallow. A polymer chemist at the Southwest Research Institute, Mallow enjoyed working on practical problems. He showed M&M-Mars how to keep peanut butter from gunking up the molds at M&M candy factories. He helped Bette Nesmith Graham (mother of 'The Monkees' guitarist Michael Nesmith) perfect the formula for her invention, 'Liquid Paper'. He consulted on projects from Space Shuttle protective tiles to fake dinosaur skin -- and invented clumping cat litter. Mallow retired from SwRI in 1998, but continued to dabble in materials: most recently, he worked on the 'Mobility Denial System' -- a slippery spray that could be used to disable enemy troops without injuries or deaths. He died July 30 in San Antonio from leukemia. He was 72. "

I, for one, would love to see the videotapes of the practice sessions with the "Mobility Denial System."

According to the CBS News obit the "Mobility Denial" gel spray was due for introduction into use by the US military this year. Why don't we see this kind of footage on CNN? Is the enemy laughing too hard in those shots, as US tanks spin out on their own anti-mobility gel?

All This And Newsom Too

Well, I am almost back to health, and my cat is starting to express her affection in a less clingy way. That's the good news. The bad news is that Gavin Newsom is now mayor of San Francisco, the organization where I work is falling apart (3 people left of the 15 or so we had a year ago), I'm still horribly jetlagged from the two week gallop through the Balkans, I've had about $1500 in unexpected expenses on my car in the last few weeks (a parking ticket, a break-in, a brake & CV joint job), the vacuum cleaner's motor belt broke, and did I mention that Gavin Newsom won the mayorship of the city where I spend most of my time? San Francisco is in for a doozy of a time. That slick, two-faced Republocrat is going to make Willie Brown look like a regular mayor-of-by-for-the-people.

Meanwhile, I have read that the Greeks have the opinion that Macedonians are "violent, boorish, and great drinkers." I had SUCH a bad time with the Greeks, who were at LEAST boorish, while the Macedonians I met were all perfectly reasonable. They have a very, very wrecked economy, and everyone apparently carries guns because the country is so unsafe, but I *STILL* felt Macedonia was more friendly than Greece, to me. Something happened to the Greeks. I think it was the Turks.