The Slacker Stalker Rules for Living a Spiritually Right Pagan Life

...By me, Lady Pixie Moondrop, the self-selected heir to Lady Pixie Moondrip of the infamous "Guide to Craft Names."


There are 17 ways to right-live here because there should always be 17 Reasons Why. It's San Francisco trivia, you should look it up.



For Goddessakes:



1. SPELLING: "Incense" shall be spelled with a "c" and then an "s," never with an "s" first and never with an "sc." "Witch" shall only be spelled with an "i" and never the yonic "y" (i.e. womyn, wyfe, mynstrual cramp). "Deity" shall be spelled with "ei": remember deity = immortal = no "die."



2. NAMES: If you chose a Craft name or were reared by hippies, remember to take your nametag off before you go out the street door after the conference or workshop. People might not understand that "Crystal Seahorse" is a sacred name and not something you are selling.



3. CREDIT CARDS AND FLOOR SPACE: [ON drippy scary voice] Wield Ye Not your own credit card in a Pagan supply store with a floorspace whose square footage exceeds that of your apartment. And with one payment do not try to conquer a credit card bill that is larger than your paycheck. Therein lies ruin.[OFF drippy scary voice.]



4. MORE SPELLING AND NAMES: There will be no "h" in God. If you want to distance yourself from Judeo-Christian conformist spelling, then name the specific deity, or say the long version of the word: Goddess. If you don?t like any gender in your deity, call it the Intelligent All. If you insist on having a little "ho" in your God, then call her Ishtar.



5. RITUAL PARTY FAVORS: There will be NO throwing away of ritual favors (i.e. tiny smudge sticks, itsy crystals, red clay Goddess baubles). They will be kept until there is no memory extant of the original ritual or of anyone who was in it. Then they will be given to a non-Pagan who will be impressed by them and think they are Talismanic Power Objects and not just New Age Clutter.



6. WHAT ABOUT THE CAT? The cat will be in charge of arranging the house altar, house crystal collection, and house furniture.



7. WHAT IS ETERNAL? Only two things are eternal: taxes and gossip. The mysteries of the former were lost to modern people long ago. The mysteries of the latter are passed on in a whisper to new initiates whenever the subject of the gossip steps up to any microphone.



8. PROHIBITION ON GROCERY STORE LINE LINGUISTICS: There will be no use of the word "matristic" as a synonym for "egalitarian," or at all. Random cross-continental homonyms or homophones or homographs will not be the bases for a new system of gynocentric philosophy. There will be no pretending that there was a P.P.P.P. (pre-pale-penis-people) golden age of matriarchy with "little or no" (to quote from a 1983 matristic text) "sexism, classism, racism, ageism, or war." Did we learn nothing from the failures of the 70's feminist movement? Essentializing estrogen-as-panacea and playing pretend with the real history of multiple isolating oppressions does not build a strong society. Making up obscure new words and assigning arbitrary meanings also does not build a strong society. If you choose to use the word "matristic," you will be sentenced to membership in a local collective consensus-based feminist organic vegan consciousness raising activist group. You will be in charge of fundraising.



9. DIVINE INTERVENTION: Being that people generally suck, particularly in cities today, where life generally sucks, non-offensive interactions with other humans can be taken as signs of divine intervention.



10. SAINTHOOD: This is attained through not stalking and killing the SUV driver who cut you off not signaling turning left on red while talking on his cell phone, and/or through picking up other people's dogs' poops.



11. THE REQUISITE ANTI-SEX LAW: Love is the Law, but nonconsensual masturbation shall be prohibited.



12. INITIATION: this tradition will accept you as an initiate after you have been kicked out of a coven for questioning the priestess' arbitrary invasions of people's personal space, or some other severe, arbitrary exertion of power, especially if it involves public shaming or some noxious essential oil.



13. SIGNS OF RIGHT-LIVING: There will be no chasing of buses, or other public transit vehicles. Being able to make all your connections at a walk is a sign of blessedness and right-living. So is finding all your commute escalators in working order.



14. CURSING: There will be no cursing. Cussing, or swearing, is fine. Trying to exact revenge through casting a curse involves expensive ingredients, labor-intensive ritual, and unmeasurable results. Arson, now there's an effective revenge tactic.



15. GODS ARE LIKE CHILDREN: No deity is omnipotent, but they are extremely defensive about this, so please behave as though they are. Please pretend that they are all equal in your sight. Favoritism is manipulative, and although useful to certain ends, should be publicly discouraged.



16. REQUIRED SACRIFICES: Everyone who is not a roach or a peep must submit to entropy. All goldfish or houseplants who can be killed by overwatering or overfeeding must die, especially if they live with me.



17. WHAT IS GOOD: Everything is good. Everything that is not good is hereby prohibited and discouraged.



And Slacker Stalker wishes you a Happy Thank-the-Native-First-Nation-People Day!
A little reading between food courses, that's all I ask.


Read about the nation decimated by the people who hosted that first Thanksgiving.



Read the speech of Wamsutta James, a modern Wampanoag man, written for a 1970 gathering of Pilgrim descendants celebrating the Pilgrim's landing. The author was disinvited after they proofread his speech.



And check out the main site for the United American Indians of New England for more information on the National Day of Mourning held on the last Thursday in November.


And check out the main site for the awesome International Indian Treaty Council who host the annual Un-Thanksgiving Day sunrise ceremony on Alcatraz, where AIM staged their occupation in the early 70's. Their flier (which you can read on their site under upcoming events/ bay area) reads:



As Indigenous Peoples of this land we recognize Thanksgiving Day by remembering and honoring all those who died in defense of the land and the spiritual ways. At the same time Indians celebrate the vitality of their spirit, will to survive and dedication to the protection of Mother Earth. By remembering and rejoicing this day offers American Indians and non-Indians alike a unique opportunity to gather strength from one another for the future struggle to protect and preserve the land, resources and spiritual awareness for future generations.



And now, off to rural Michigan for my Swedish Congregationalist Minister grandmother's 84th birthday.


Slacker Stalker will be back in a week.

OK, another breather between the didactic babblings of your favorite stalker...

Read About My Neighborhood's Mythical Monster

the 'Devil of the Marsh', described as having a "snake-like body, dark greenish skin and a very large head with small horns."



This cool site also has info on my local free "liberation drive in" - hosted in a local parking lot near me!- and other nifty Oaklandcentric goodies. What a find!

OK, finally the

Slacker Stalker Guide to Shoebox Abuse

...an addendum to My Gender Identity Shoe Key



If you have shoes - i.e. a gender identiy - it's a metaphor, work with me - then you have a shoe box that you don't want to trap yourself or anyone else in.



Shoebox Use:

Safe storage for your ex's sex toys (borrowed permanently).

Shoebox Abuse:

Embarassing drag show photo storage- take them out! Let your little light shine!



Shoebox Use:

Starting element for diorama about what your life would be like if you were a football player or cheerleader.

Shoebox Abuse:

Starting element for diorama about your dark evil revenge fantasies about people who have made fun of your fashion choices.



Shoebox Use:

Handy storage for your spirit gum, fake facial hair, rhinestone bindis, glitter gel, false eyelashes, dressy polkadot bowties and cigarette holders.

Shoebox Abuse:

Unsanitary storage for the unfortunate mishap about which you are still in denial involving the Martha Stewart homeade vanilla soy sauce peanut brittle recipe when you were having a feminine nesting urge. Own your fabulous failures! How will you find a way to link to your inner feminine side if you don't find out how NOT to?



Shoebox Use:

House for your baby guinea pig named Thor, or your little garter snake named Penelope. Or your girl rat you named Boy.

Shoebox Abuse:

Carefully hidden home for that one ostentatious pair of platform latex glitter boots that you bought on a dare but haven't had the guts to wear and are hoping your friends forget about. Flex your feet, flex your gender!



Coming soon: ten new spiritual rules to live with, including spiritual spelling rules.

OK, I can't RESIST sending you all to check out the Wide Pancake Week schedule of events
...hosted by the City of Moscow Government Committee for Tourism. Turn up your volume for some not-to-be-missed cheesey techno Russian folk fusion.



Really, the tract on shoebox abuse prevention is still on the docket for this week, I promise.

Two Good Articles Someone Who Opposes the War or Someone Who Likes Cyborgs Should Read



There are two articles in today's Bay Guardian by people I know. One is by my good old pal and role model Pratap (pronounced like "Prothap"), someone who has his issues, as do we all, but whose political opinion I really respect. In this Op-Ed he talks about a trip he took to Afghanistan in January of this year, and his thoughts on the aftermath of our soon-to-be-waged war in Iraq. He's so smart the SFBG keeps a standing offer open to him to publish anything he gives them. Sometimes he researches a piece for years before submitting it. I could go on and on about him, but you know, that might start making me sound like a REAL stalker.



The other person I know who has something in the SFBG today, Annalee, in fact has a regular SFBG column that I have read for years: Techsploitation. She's a girl geek and writes about gender and technology and shit. To be truthful, she is more a friend of friends, but we do technically know eachother. I'm just a big starfcker and have a compulsion to drop names and call them "my friends." But anyway, her column today is a sad remembrance of her mother, who became a cyborg. It's just something that cyborg supporters should read. She's still a fan of cyborgs, I'm still a fan of cyborgs, we're ALL STILL FANS OF CYBORGS, just read the article anyway.



Tomorrow- Shoeboxes and Their Many Uses and Abuses.

Stalking Gender Identity with the New Gender Identity Shoe Key

Argue if you will, but I'm pretty sure it's unimproveable. With all available information, that is.



OK. Whatever. Behold the glory. Inspired by the ESPN rerun of the national cheerleading championships, which reminded me of the fact that outside the San Francisco Bay Area people actual engage the extreme ends of gender and take it seriously.



Starting at the masculine end and working towards the feminine, find that shoe that suits you:



FOOTBALL PLAYER

100% 24/7 passing male with an unchallenged gender identity

Adidas Running Shoes



STONE BUTCH

The can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em kind of guy/ FTM/butch who nevertheless is at the mercy of the HIGH FEMME.

Lace Up Hiking Boots

These tend to set the tone of the butch (male, female, trans, gay-les-bi, whatever) discourse, because they are the most likely to draw attention to their own gender identity, willingly or not.



SERVICEY BUTCH

The fop who likes to make all the ladies at ease, aware of his/her effect on people and voted Most Likely to Bring Flowers.

Penny Loafers



SOFT BUTCH

Voted Most Likely to Have a Political Agenda, and/or a Sarcastic Sense of Humor, and/or a Women's Studies Degree.

Classic example: Mo from Alison Bechdel's Dykes to Watch Out For

Skechers or Other Vanity Pseudo Sport Shoe

AND Voted Most Likely to Wish S/He Set the Gender Discourse, Butch AND Femme



FUTCH

This category confounds gender identity. From pixies with bald heads to bodybuilders with long hair, from superheroes to performance artists. And bloggers.

Anything 'tall. From Jellies to Moon Boots.



LOW FEMME

I have a bit of a blind side about this category because it's where I fall most of the time. But it is my ASTUTE opinion that you can tell a low femme by her

Sensible Shoes, like Doc Martens or Blundstones.

Voted Most Likely to Wear Hand Me Down Shoes. (She can be a bottom feeder of a sort, she has no glamour to lose.)



HIGH FEMME

This is the one the Stone Butch can't live with but can't live without.

Duh. Pumps.



SUPERFEMME DIVA

These tend to set the tone of the femme (female, male, trans, gay-les-bi, whatever) discourse, because they are the most likely to draw attention to their own gender identity, willingly or not. Like the Stone Butch.

Open Toe Spike-Heeled Pumps or Other Extreme Toe-Cleavage-Revealing Shoes

Voted Most Likely to Own More Than One Each Wig and Boa (Feathered).



CHEERLEADER

100% 24/7 passing female with an unchallenged gender identity

Adidas Running Shoes

Voted Most Likely to Become a Vampire Slayer or Demon Goddess and Start Wearing Leather Pants.

...OK at least in my universe.



AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE THE TOOLS TO MEASURE YOUR GENDER STRENGTH:

go practice flexing your gender muscles. Try out a new gender presentation. Learn a cheer. Throw a football. Buy new shoes.

Or, if you want to try out Low Femme, scavenge them.



And for chissakes check out the Gender Terrorist's website. My friend Del-- who doesn't believe s/he is transitioning gender, but creating gender art every day with her/his own body. If you only knew the look on my 94 year old great uncle the Methodist Minister's face when he pulled Del's book off my shelf.



Here's Del defining Gender Terrorist:



A Gender Terrorist is anyone who consistently and intentionally subverts,destablizes and challenges the binary gender system.This is the notion that only two genders exist, male and female. The fact is, while this system might work (and that's a matter of opinion) for most people it doesn't work.Too many people are harmed both physically and mentally,in the attempt to force themselves into a shoe that doesn't fit.



Happy shoe shopping/ stalking/ scrounging, Cinderellas!

In Praise of a Beautiful Single Bi Girl with Cash who Has Grown Up into a Philanthropic Feminist


Everyone Take a Moment to Ponder the Loveliness that is Angelina Jolie

From the Department of What the Fuck

Ya'll deserve a treat for pondering the nature of life, death, compassion, and vengeance with me.

Please to Try Your Hand at Harnessing the Awesome Power of the Mysterious Singing Horses of Latvia, and Their Runaway Hit Single "Dum Dum Dum, Tim Tim Tam"

From a Latvian Blogger. You want to try your hand at reading the comments people wrote about this little ditty?



My favorite comment is the one that goes "aaaaaaaaaa, shallallallaallaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA, vai arii pum pum ã ã."



It looks like war is about to break about between Poland, Latvia, and Lithuania over these horses, though. That would be a pity.

Q. Why Is Compassion so Damn Hard for the Witty and Charming?

A. Because you are afraid it will make you into a fanatic.



Fact is you are already fanatically avoiding feeling compassion, every time you unthinkingly give the less fortunate people (there are ALWAYS less fortunate) a hand-out just to get them away from you, rather than because you think someday you might end up that way. Or every time you unthinkingly blame the more fortunate people for not helping you more often (my family's speciality). Or else you are fanatically avoiding all people so that nobody can ever criticize you or make you feel uncompassionate, which makes you feel bad. But think-- fanatically avoiding ever feeling bad means that you never know when you really feel GOOD.



I know, I know, it's not an exact science, but here are my inane equations anyway. There has to be a way to explain why people, seeing me dealing with grief over my dying girlfriend's suicide, are actually repulsed and even TELL me that they have a hard time feeling compassion for me. So here's my wild ride down the slippery slope of character equations.



YOUR AVERAGE PEOPLE PERSON + inner child (id) or inner optimist (desiring anything and acknowledging it takes optimism)= someone who will seek faith, a faith, something to direct their choices, a code of right and wrong, so that people will like her/him. This person seeks ways to ingratiate her or himself through wit (not just knowledge, but discernment, knowing what's funny when). This person is a natural flirt, even if they couldn't hold up their end of a conversation with a saw horse.



NON-PEOPLE PERSON + inner child = my sister, never quite getting a joke, never quite understanding why the choices of words she makes sometimes infuriate people, someone basically not open to leading an examined life because she gets it "wrong" so often. She knows how to want, and how to seek faith, but she condemns herself so often without seeking remedy, that she generally avoids people and got herself a heinous husband who people generally avoid. He thinks he's infallible, he criticizes her to the point where she categorically dismisses all his criticism, and then she lashes out at people to make herself feel superior because she doesn't really know what she's worth anymore.



OK. I had to open up a shelf in the hierarchy where I could leave my sister. What do you do with someone you don't trust to make good choices who specifically doesn't have compassion for anyone, even herself? What do you do with a drunken sailor? I'm just going to say call this a NON-PEOPLE PERSON and leave them to their slurred little Song of Theirself.



Moving on, let's say you are a PEOPLE PERSON SEEKING WIT (the highest expression of ego: discernment) but you have forgotten your optimistic side. You are rootless. You can't remember why you got up this morning, or came out of the womb in the first place. You are reading T.S. Elliot "The Wasteland" with your breakfast every morning and you can't quite grasp why HE got up every morning. Nobody reads poetry anyway. Nobody cares. You don't even care. Why try?



This is the state of mind that I think most people are in. From this state it is impossible to overcome your need for a right/ wrong answer, extend yourself beyond the few things you believe to be true, and be compassionate to a stranger who looks as though they've made at least a few choices that you would not have made.



I'll characterize this as: PEOPLE-PERSON - inner child + wit = your average twit. Myself on a bad day. The egoist with her latte and a bus pass but no way to see that the soulless bus driver is not actually TRYING to spill her drink, because it's technically illegal to drink on the bus. This person is prone to feeling permanently wrong, permanently punished, and that everyone's expectations are Too Damn High.



Then there is the PEOPLE-PERSON + inner child + wit = someone seeking routes to transcendence, new expansive ways of thinking, access to compassion. This person understands the role of the responsible citizen, the inner-parent / super-ego. They believe in parking laws, even if they sometimes break them. Then, they pay the ticket and don't act like that 28 dollars makes them Broken Down By The Man. They accept that they are tools, or better yet, cogs in the machine, and they aspire to understanding what this machine might be up to, and since they are bringing their inner child along for the ride, this machine might just be up to something Good.



Then there are the NON-PEOPLE-PEOPLE + inner child + wit, which equals the reclusive artists like Edward Gorey. And the NON-PEOPLE-PEOPLE - inner child + wit, which equals Andrew Dice Clay, back in the day.



And this brings us to the Compassionate Person.



PEOPLE-PERSON + inner child - wit + compassion= someone who follows blindly, like your average local 19 year old Mormon "Elder." Or someone at Jonestown. Someone who can't sit down and make a cost benefit analysis about a moral choice to save his life. These folks serve in the interest of whatever piques their interest that day, giving them good, optimistic feelings, like a child in a room of phones and a telepromter telling them what to say when they make those fundraising calls and a fearless leader there to offer them a glass of kool aid as a reward for their excellent work.



PEOPLE-PERSON - inner child + wit + compassion= I think a lot of existentialist liberals end up here. They understand service to a Greater Good. They understand a set of rights and wrongs. They just can't see the Why Try of things. They read the Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet and end up like Eeyore. They become graduate students and eventually become lawyers and eventually end up becoming the life of the wine and cheese party only quoting book and movie reviews and never books or movies. Snore. I think this is the place I am most in danger of ending up.



PEOPLE PERSON - inner child - wit + compassion = a Methodist minister. My grandma, for example (who is a Methodist minister). She can't tell a joke. She takes herself incredibly seriously. She is almost militaristically "at service" to any and all. She doesn't visit, she steam rolls various parts of the family on a seasonal basis. Sigh. Two weeks until her 84th birthday. I have a completely wholesome low-fat anti-war pity-drenched dinner to look forward to this Thanksgiving. Not that I need fat, or war, or dry wit to keep me going. OK fat and wit, but not war. All I'm saying is that it is hard to have prolonged conversation with this person.



NON-PEOPLE-PERSON +/- inner child +/- wit + compassion= the non-people person's compassion is only theoretical: they don't actually leave their safety zones to test it, so I'm not going to count it. Let's just call this person My Sister That One Time She Nailed a Non-Abusive Joke And Had Intended to Do So To Show Someone Who Was Having a Hard Time that She Understood. A rare bird indeed.



So what's my bottom line here? To keep from getting stuck in a rut in life you might work harder to be aware of all these three-- optimism, discernment, and compassion. To realize when these three things come and go takes practice and discipline. And practice doesn't make perfect, it just makes less imperfect. And more daily practice.



1. Hold and enjoy the moment in your mind when you know you're feeling optimistic.

Me, trotting out to get a Gingerbread Latte without even thinking that they might screw up and burn the espresso.

2. Sit back and enjoy watching yourself make a decision. Take advantage of your ability to make good choices.

Hm, I want to save money, so I'll get a small Gingerbread Latte and use the rest of the money for bus fare. And I won't offer to buy the Gingerbread Latte of my friend in line behind me.

3. And then be kind to yourself and others in a conscious way, if only in your inside voice and not your outside voice.

That bus driver didn't mean to spill my latte on me, I think I won't imagine Buffy jumping out of a seat and killing him. Stab stab stab stab stab stab stab.



Well, I said it was a practice.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Could Branch Out For a Change

More Important than Compassion: Personal Vengeance



Buffy the Irresponsible Dog Owner Slayer

Making the Parks Safe for Children and Their Picnic Blankets Everywhere



Buffy the Drivers of SUVs Who Turn Left At Red Lights While Talking On Their Cell Phones and Not Signalling Slayer

These People Even Scare the Shit Out of Vampires



Buffy the Purveyor of Insufferably Cute Poetry Chain Letters and Concerned Citizen Petitions Slayer

The Taliban didn't ever read your petition protesting the treatment of women, and I will lose my few remaining friends, not a hallmark of good luck, if I forward them all your horrible poem about the child whose father died in the World Trade Center, OK?



Buffy the Uncaring Medical Professional Slayer

Can't Afford to Get a Bedside Manner Transplant in Time for Your Next Appointment With the Sick and Vulnerable Woman with Cancer Who Needs Help With her Pain Management? You Can't Afford Not To Get One!



Buffy the Overzealous Arbitrary Parking Law Enforcer Slayer

Soulless Creature, Nobody Likes You and Nobody Will Miss You



Buffy the Grammar Snob Slayer

You the Middle Management of the Literary Art World, Humanities Majors Gone Wrong, Underemployed and Taking Out Creative Insecurities on the Innocent-- Be Warned! Obsessively pointing out bad spelling to a short blonde cheerleader may be the last thing you do! I mean, I like a typo-free piece of text as well as the next person, or maybe more than the next person, but especially men who like to make women feel stupid by reading only a woman's typos and dismissing her ideas need to be stabbed more than once with a stake in the heart.



Buffy the Everyone Who Voted for Bill Simon Slayer

What was it, you liked his criminal record better than Grey Davis'? Repent and vote Green for chissakes. Or better yet, Meet Mister Pointy!



{Imagine Stabbing Noises Here}



Next, More on Compassion!

The Agenda of the Extreme Optimist

or, why people are afraid to be compassionate



The theme for this week is compassion and optimism. I think these are actually the same thing.



People fear that being an optimist (i.e. having compassion) will cause them to:

1. Lose their credit cards

2. Wear ugly shoes

3. Meditate



Solution:

Encourage optimism where you see it by:

1. Spreading optimistic information (noticing that we are barraged by negative information)

2. Noticing optimistic moments out loud

3. Finding out what causes optimism, like alcohol.



Later I will address the sport of Extreme Compassion and why it threatens, in particular, people who are witty and charming.

Haitian Homebrew from Hell
or, the Story of Miss Zora and the Zombie Makers


In 1937 the anthropologist (and African American/ Caribbean storyteller and story-collector) Zora Neale Hurston suspected a chemical poisoning to be behind the high Haitian zombie population... fifty years before science proved her right. Read a little about the amazing Miss Zora and the Recipe for Making Your Own Zombie Slave. Stock up on tetrodotoxin, atropine, and scopolamine, kids!



There are still some of those zombie folk employed by SF Muni as busdrivers... I guess it beats a labor camp. Won't someone please organize a zombie liberation movement? If only for the sake of all the fun acronyms you can make with the letter "z"?