Why Didn't Anyone TELL Me That American Football is as Gay as a Judy Garland Memorial in Greenwich Village?



I mean, it is gay, gay, gay. Flamboyantly, lip-puckeringly, feather-boa-flippingly gay. Violent but gay. Like the Stonewall Riots but televized. I had no idea. I stopped watching TV sports when I moved away from home and didn't have my mother around making me watch it (as well as learn to catch and throw). So this weekend I was sitting around with a lezzie friend and her mother, who raised HER to love football, and had the biggest blast watching these beefy guys in reflective spandex manhandling eachother with SO MUCH obvious affection and pleasure. And the TATTOOS! Somehow I don't remember either the shininess of the stretch fabric OR the body decoration from the TV football of the 1970's and 1980's.



So now I can wholeheartedly root for my hometown Raiders as they strut their shiny boy stuff all the way to the top of a writhing pile of Tennessee punk-ass Titans. Hint to the Titans: they seem to like to BURY PEOPLE under big mounds of themselves. They do it with affection, but really, you could get hurt, so strap on your extra thick butt protectors!



Here is all the LGBT American Football team information you need to go have yourself your own big gay puppypile of overstimulated muscular sweaty bodies in spandex. Yum.