The Slacker Stalker Guide to Big Time Sensuality

Because I had to go crack open the subject of my sordid sexual history and all... I might as well define my terms.



I actually wrote a nice poem that sort of rhymed with a list of what I called "San Francisco Alternative Terminology for the World 'Girlfriend'" but I don't want to start blogging with my own poetry, so here is a less poetic, functional and easy-to-use guide to my personal metrosexualesque (jaded urban) sensualist terminology.

girl

an estrogen-based life form, or someone who lives 24/7 as though s/he were one.

boy

a testosterone-based life form, or someone who lives 24/7 as though s/he were one.

date

when a boy and a girl are involved, this is a simple matter: you meet to get to know eachother and the sexual tension is usually evident as part of the proposition; when it is a boy and a boy, I understand that it is clear from word one when it is a date or not and exactly what kind of sex is expected (or not); when it is a girl and a girl, dissertations can be written on when and whether the participants know it is a date. In my life, it is when a pre-set (more than an hour before) evening appointment is made for the clear purpose of getting to know one another with the evident intention of eventual romantic intimacy. I pretty much never get dates, but if I got one, I think this is what it would be.

relationship

a vile, vile word, used for the purposes of emotional blackmail so often that I recommend that it be added to the list of poisonous swearwords along with the word (if you are polyamorous) scheduling (see below). A relationship in my world is what happens when you know eachother's name and/or any non-disconnected phone number. Having one entitles you to stalk the person from afar, but not much more.

polyamourous/ polyfidelitous

the first describes someone who can hold up more than one meaningful relationship for more than one date each, with everyone knowing about everyone else; the second describes someone who makes a commitment to more than one person so that they (usually) all have to agree before proliferating their dating efforts, which leads to the dirty dirty word...

scheduling

the common root cause of anxiety attacks and depression among polyfidelitous people. So many lovers, so little time, so tiny the print in our little date-planners...

fling

the amino acids of the protein that is romance, necessary and often found in easily-consumable pleasures, like fried chicken. Just kidding. Fried chicken is more of a commitment- it leaves grease stains that last. Hickeys and bruises fade (and don't photograph well): you get no real battle scars to show for your trouble. A fling is any mutual and consensual sexual experience that lasts 10 minutes or more. I don't use the term one-night-stand because in my world those last so long they tend to become synonymous with the...

extended fling

...which lasts minimally for 1-3 nights or the equivalent (if you are situated where you have white nights around the summer solstice). By the end of one of these, you have no commitment, but you generally do have a relationship (see above). These are fun, but a burden, because in the lesbian world, they open the door to the U-Haul Syndrome, an affliction which plagues mostly rural dyke communities, but against which nobody is immune. The U-Haul Syndrome is where two lonely girls who have the time and the money (if only barely) to do so move in together as soon as they know eachother's name and one working phone number.

girlfling/ boyfling

what you call the participants in any sort of fling, usually means "just a fling," without the extended road warranty.

girlthing/ boything

the panacea of the dating-terminologically-delayed, this makes do while you are awaiting permission to use one of the terms below...

girlfriend/ boyfriend

used to describe someone who has been in an extended fling with you for four weeks or more, often used on the sly for a while before being agreed upon in private in a two-person consensus usually secured through fancy home-cooked meals, anniversary gifts, and/or blackmail.

partner

is anyone who lets you call her/him your "partner" in public- other pronunciations include "parrrrdner," "attorney at law," and "pooky-boobs." Just kidding on that last one. It is definitely an avoidable term, in other words. But I like it for its easy use in declension.

domestic partner

means that you've got a certificate number attached to your non-heteronormative relationship.

significant other

abbreviated s.o. ("esso")- implies a meaningful, committed relationship that lasts from one night to a lifetime or beyond. Preferred term for bisexual women describing their male partner within the earshot of a lesbian of unknown bifriendliness.

long term emotional entanglement

describes almost every significant relationship the Slacker Stalker has ever had.

fuckbuddy

strictly a anonymous or pseudonymous trick- or one that you wish was- and to whom you give one working phone number, but not two.

Before you all embark on the high seas of romance armed with these handy terms, remember what Bjork says (warns): "it takes courage to enjoy it, the hardcore and the gentle, big time sensuality."